40 Before 40
I actually needed the reminder to breathe.
21. Yoga Classes
This is not the beginning of the 40 before 40 story. It is very much in the middle of my midlife crisis. Although it’s not the first crisis, I can maybe be optimistic enough that it is midlife. On a really good day, when I have remembered to take all of my meds, supplements and had a top tier bowel movement I can MAYBE summon enough optimism to think about hoping that it is a midlife crisis and not more neurodivergent traits being unlocked by perimenopause.
With all of that rolling around, my anxious and overstimulated brain decided that yoga would be a great idea. Confession, I have done yoga before. About 15 years ago I managed to keep that hyper-fixation up for about 6 months. The habit fell away like they often do. Within 15 years you obviously experience some changes, that’s expected for everyone, for me just add chronic physical and mental health issues and a battle with agoraphobia. But I am working on all of this and I have been doing my own quasi yoga practice in the garden using YouTube and books I’d order online.
I was getting the gist! I swear!
Anyway, that is why yoga is on the list. With this past experience and some solid work in the garden I was feeling confident enough to sign up for a Chair Yoga Class run by Queer Yoga Edinburgh. By confident enough I mean that yeah I was going but I was taking my emotional support Bean with me. Side note Bean is my bestie and I am protecting their anonymity, for when I sell the movie rights. Also chair yoga is exactly what it sounds like. I am so unbelievably clumsy that my phone sends me a bi annual reminder that my ‘walking steadiness is low’ and that I am ‘ a fall risk’, that seated yoga felt like a good place to put the fundamentals back into the fun.
The environment is warm and welcoming, the chairs, mats and blocks set up for easy access and the instructors were really mindful of the individual needs of each person and kindly offered help. The class size is small and the room is small but the opposite of claustrophobic, it felt quite calm and when the practice started I felt incredibly safe. The music was soothing and the instructor’s voice was comforting which made for a really gentle introductory lesson.
I had a couple of interesting moments, thankfully none of them involved me ripping ass into a plastic chair. But the fact that certain movements sounded like I have rice crispies for ligaments, was interesting to share with the entire room. Also that I forget to breathe if I have to concentrate on something is a shocking revelation. What the fuck is that? A week later I have caught myself doing this at various points of the day and I am wondering how long I have had this little habit. Is this some kind of waking apnoea or am I holding my breath without being aware of it?
Realising how deeply I have dissociated from my own body at times was not a shock. But it has given me a firm but fair nudge to be a little more connected and a little bit kinder.
Even if I could hear my spine clicking till the next day. Clicking is chill though right? Cracking is the bad one.
I have already booked 2 more classes.
“Yoga practice helps me stay present and focus on THE NOW, which is Kryptonite to my inner saboteur” - RuPaul